So Ive mentioned once before mine and my sons shared sense of humour. And that its only shared to a degree. Like I don’t find toilet humour or Chinese Bangles funny at all, and my youngest son has a thing about the word ‘eyeball’. If I say something like ‘my eyeball is itchy’ which is a perfectly normal thing to say, under normal itchy eyeball circumstances, when I’ve finished rubbing my eyeball, Ill look down and he’ll be on the floor clutching his stomach with one hand and banging his fist with the other. While my oldest and I with no sign of even a smirk just keep saying it to keep him incapacitated, and also because that’s funny to us and we want to join in. But I really don’t get the joke at all. Although it could probably be filed under toilet humour, I now know enough about boys to suspect that when your mother innocently says ball and you’re ten….well, that’s all it‘ll take. Whats really weird though, is that one thing neither of them found particularly amusing but cracked me up to such a degree that I had to lie down because I got a headache from being doubled over, was when I accidentally locked them both in the garage after fetching them from school last week. How is that not funny? Where we live, our house is above the road, but the garage is on the road. Once the car is parked, I want get out and get up the stairs and into the house as quickly as possible. Its just a thing. I don’t like being outside without a reason. Anyway, usually, I’m out of the car, and yelling for them to hurry so that I can push the button on the remote that closes the garage door. For some reason though, on this day, I didn’t wait, I walked out of the garage, opened the gate, walked up the stairs, opened the front door, and put my stuff down. Only somewhere between the garage and the kitchen counter, I switched to auto-pilot and pushed the remote. Ive been a little stressed lately, so my mind could’ve just briefly blanked over the fact that I even have children, which is what I’ll tell the judge if my oldest passes all his exams and then gets his phone unbanned and then follows through with his threats, and it probably wont be word of a lie. Anyway, I was already standing on the balcony with a cigarette, staring down at the gate thinking where the hell are those two, and had just bet myself ten bucks they were arguing about whose turn it was to bring in the one bag of shopping that was on the back seat of the car, when my phone rang. When I saw it was my oldest, I didn’t even get a chance to tell him that if no-one brings it up they don’t get supper which incidentally was what was in the bag, when all I heard was a deep threatening voice say “Open. The Garage Dooor. Now.” Oh man. Then when I pushed the remote, and saw their faces eventually coming up the path, it was tickets for me…Why is it that when something is funny and someone else doesn’t find it funny, its even funnier? My youngest did a furious and yet hysterical re-enactment of how he had to fumble around in the pitch dark to find his schoolbag, and then he told me that his older brother was nearly crying a little bit, which of course his brother hotly denied. He did say that he tried to wedge the door open with his foot at one point, (which I think was the part that gave me the headache), before he realised that this wasn’t one of those times where the joke lasts for just a few seconds and then order is restored, and decided to phone me. Look, I know what you’re thinking, but the whole thing was over in a few minutes, maybe several, but unless people are lying about the fact that the most poisonous spider in the world, the Daddy Long Legs can’t bite, they weren’t in any danger.
4 hours later:
“Whats Mom laughing at?”
“You know it wasn’t that funny”
“Gasp! Please stop! I think my intestines are unraveling!”
Listen, you cant tell me as a parent you haven’t imagined at certain times, all manner of ways to get a moments peace. We just imagine it though. A thought comes into your head and you marvel at its foolproof simplicity, then its gone and you carry on yelling it as a threat to deaf ears. When you accidentally follow through on one of these threats, I can promise you, no matter what you’re thinking now, pursed lips and a guilty conscience will take a backseat to seeing the really funny side. Its karma baby. Besides, laughter is the best medicine (after wine), and God alone knows those kids keep me healthy. They should be happy to know that if they keep it up I should be around for a while. Maybe after this they wont be as happy as before, but by Christmas 2020 they’ll be laughing about it too.